Transformers: Dark of the Moon
A plot for which the words “convoluted”, “contrived” and “unintelligible” were surely destined to describe.

What to say about Transformers: Dark of the Moon? In a sense, this review is entirely redundant: third film into the movie franchise, you can be pretty sure about what you are going to get. Director Michael Bay has a simple but lucrative formula he likes to use for his Hollywood take on the cult 80s toys and TV show: robots, explosions, exploding robots, and Megan Fox not wearing many clothes. Is there anybody, anywhere in the world, wondering whether Transformers 3 marks Bay’s transition to a more sensitive, introspective and philosophical filmmaking? I didn’t think so.

No surprises then, that Bay’s latest robot smash-a-thon is, in essence, exactly the same as his previous efforts (Megan Fox apart).  Honourable, freedom-loving Autobots fight evil, destruction-loving Decepticons and, Earth being the battleground, us humans get mixed up along the way. There are a few new robot faces – Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), former leader of the Autobots, is discovered on the Moon (hence the film’s title), while Decepticon ranks are boosted by the arrival of Shockwave, a robot who, as his name suggests, has a knack for causing havoc in built-up urban areas – but the general premise of the film remains much the same as ever: Dark of the Moon, continuing the proud tradition of its forbears, is basically a big, long, robot fight.

At least, that is what it ends up as. The first third or so of this 2 ½ hour behemoth is actually rather slow-moving, as Bay attempts to establish a plot for which the words “convoluted”, “contrived” and “unintelligible” were surely destined to describe. We follow Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf, once again) as he discovers through the course of trying to find a job that a number of major world events (including the Space Race and the Chernobyl disaster) are in fact part of a Decepticon plot to enslave the human race.

If that all sounds a bit silly, it’s because it is. To add to the inanity John Malkovich turns up as Sam’s boss, for no reason, apparently, other than to over-act, and Ken Jeong adds to his repertoire of unfunny Asian stereotypes by playing an unfunny and stereotypical Asian. These characters are clearly an attempt by Bay to bring some colour to his mainly vacuous cast, but they really add very little. John Turturro reprises his role as Agent Simmons to greater comic effect, but the film as a whole is disappointingly short on laughs. Even LaBeouf, who produces adequate comic performances in Transformers 1 and 2, is too busy being moody to be funny in this one.

But if Dark of the Moon is not as funny as the earlier Transformers films, it certainly isn’t any less lecherous. Megan Fox may be out of the picture, but in Victoria’s Secret’s Rosie Huntington-Whitely – whose uncanny inability to act surpasses even the non-talents of her predecessor – Michael Bay has found a new ‘muse’. Huntington-Whitely plays Carly, Sam’s new love interest (introduced by the shortest of back stories), and Bay’s lens is drawn to her lasciviously, lingering unnecessarily on her bum, chest and inflated lips like the roving eyes of an indiscrete pervert. Objectified to such an extent (at one point, a male character describes his favourite car while Bay’s camera, slowly and deliberately, moves head-to-toe over the length of her body) Huntington-Whitely rarely has many opportunities to actually act. When she does, she fails abysmally, and the fact that Bay cast her in the role purely to be gawped at is thoroughly depressing, though maybe not surprising given his track-record.

And yet, Dark of the Moon is not quite as god-awful as you might be expecting. Despite the stupidity of it all, despite the predictability and the flagrant sexism, when Bay has finished setting up his ridiculous plot, stops drooling over Huntington-Whitely and knuckles down to a bit of robot-on-robot action, he gets some pretty entertaining results. Don’t get me wrong, the battle sequences are long – very long – and happen at such frenetic pace it is often very difficult to work out what is going on (exacerbated by being in 3D which, I think everyone is agreed, is actually fairly rubbish). With each and every fight producing a bukkake of scattered debris and dismembered robot parts, Bay undoubtedly over-does it with the money-shots. But there are some genuinely spectacular set-pieces throw in (a frantic sequence set in a toppling sky-scraper immediately jumps to mind) and moments of real tension. I know, I shouldn’t really care about the fate of a group of CGI robots, but the truth is that, at times, a little bit of me did.

It is not nearly enough to make up for the film’s many other failings, but Bay’s talent for shooting an action sequence at least makes Transformers: Dark of the Moon watchable, which it might well not have been. Safe to say, if you take no pleasure in robots fighting each other, there really is nothing for you to enjoy in Transformers: Dark of the Moon. But I think you knew that already.