The Expendables
Perhaps dream casts are best left as dreams.

It’s the kind of question that is often bandied about: if you could choose the dream cast for an action film – and you can pick anyone – who would you pick?

The likelihood is that Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger would be front and centre; Bruce Willis would probably figure; and Jet Li and Jason Statham are the cream of the shallow talent pool that forms recent action movie history. Throw in Mickey Rourke, a UFC fighter, He-Man and the legendary Stone Cold Steve Austin and the set is complete.

This is what The Expendables brings to the table – a veritable smorgasbord of action superstars. I don’t think it’s unfair to say that the male-heavy cast is aiming for a male-heavy audience; not just any men – real, manly men: ones that ooze, drip and sweat masculinity. This much was apparent all over the auditorium. Not literally – that would be disgusting – but, metaphorically, it was all over the place.

From the film’s title and subsequent opening credits, each name was cheered by the audience – except for Terry Crews, who received a faint patter of applause perhaps because no-one really knows enough about him to make a sound judgment on his ability as a true action hero. Nevertheless, they were willing to give him a chance.

The cheering and whooping was sustained for quite some time, to the point where it accompanied each star’s entrance. This didn’t ruin the viewing experience, but elevated the film from just another action film to more of a parody. It was almost like watching one of those star-studded Oscar opening montages.

The plot itself, expectedly, is not anything to write home about. With the film directed, starring and written by Stallone…well, let’s just say he’s never going to quite reach the acclaim as Godard, Renoir and Truffaut did as auteurs.

Another team of combatants – not the ‘A-Team’ not ‘The Losers’, but ‘The Expendables’ (which doesn’t really make sense as they are never really ‘expended’ at any point) made up of Stallone, Statham, Li, Couture and Crews (whoop whoop), decide to take on a job that many wouldn’t (definitely not Arnie, who turns it down) to overthrow a dictator in a small gulf island of Vilena. What Arnie can’t do though, Stallone can as he goes on a reconnaissance mission to check out the area. There they meet a freedom fighter (a rare woman), there is some fighting and explosions, and then they decide it’s too dangerous and go home. However, when the woman is taken hostage, the team return to save her and destroy everything – EVERYTHING – in sight.

This is a Stallone film. The action is sometimes great but sometimes it drags and becomes tiring. The film itself never really develops and yet still manages to run too long. There are some great cameos; one jaw-dropping scene with Arnie, Stallone and Bruce Willis all together but it was scenes like this that defined the film. The great thing about Rocky, Rambo, Die Hard, Speed, Terminator, Predators, etc is that they were serious (to a point) action films. Sure, they are cheesy, but still thoroughly enjoyable. The Expendables, however, never really moves beyond the ‘We have a load of really famous action stars, how cool is this?!’ idea….and it can’t really work any other way. When Arnie and Sly are together, most of the audience will be reminded of their intense hatred for each other in the 70s/80s; and it makes sense when this is acknowledged in a scene. However, when the line “What’s wrong with him?” “He wants to be president” comes out, yes – it is funny, yes – it does work…but it is also the thing that makes the film little more than a parody of an action film. And, with Godfather ‘homages’, Stone Cold’s wrestling moves and Couture’s take-downs, this isn’t the only ‘in-joke that everyone gets’ moment.

The acting is what you would expect. Rarely is an action star picked out for their acting ability. Statham, as Lee Christmas, plays a major role. Sadly, whatever accent he was attempting seemed to be lost on everyone. It might’ve been British, it might have been American, it could’ve been Dutch, South African, Kiwi, or perhaps a hybrid of them all. One thing is certain, though: if, in a scene with Stallone, Rourke and Statham, Statham is the least understandable voice, there is something wrong with the accent. Perhaps he was watching Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood for inspiration.

But, let’s be clear: this film is not about witty verbiage, proper enunciation or even a plot – it is about major stars of the last four decades of action cinema getting together, fighting and blowing things up. The Expendables is certainly enjoyable for your average action film lover, but it feels like a waste of a line-up.

Perhaps dream casts are best left as dreams.