The Back-up Plan
The twisted creation of an alien without any soul or capacity for emotion, awkwardly attempting to portray what it imagines people to be like.

Jennifer Lopez has utterly surpassed herself this time. She has found a vehicle that manages to be not only teeth-grindingly cheesy, but utterly devoid of warmth or humanity at the same time.

The Back-up Plan appears to be the twisted creation of an alien without any soul or capacity for emotion, awkwardly attempting to portray what it imagines people to be like.

J.Lo herself historically left the natural world behind around the time she tried desperately to convince us through song that she was still ‘Jenny from the block’.  If her intention then was to redefine music to suit her own warped sense of reality, she has been equally triumphant here in also destroying the medium of film for a doubtlessly disturbed modern youth.

Luckily, this is not the first film most unsuspecting viewers will have clapped eyes on. So they may well notice the total lack of plot, motive, characterisation or heart in this empty shell of a story.

It seems hardly relevant at this stage, but for anyone remotely interested – that would clearly exclude the cast and producers, who should be already aware of their profit margins – Lopez plays Zoe, who decides to have a baby alone only to meet the man of her dreams hours after being inseminated.

What ARE the chances? Try to ignore such unhelpful questions and things will be easier from now on.

Instead, think: how appropriate that the hand of fate should bring together two people so incredibly two-dimensional and uninteresting. And how fortunate that they should be able to delude themselves into thinking they have real personalities, which even further, would actually be able to form a limp imitation of a relationship!

I can only hope for Jen’s sake that she is only a bad actor and not so far gone that her unconvincing performance reflects her genuine understanding of a living person. Her stabs at endearing ditziness are so horrific that Sandra Bullock, queen of clumsy-cute, must be squealing and tripping over her shoes at this very moment. Leading man Stan (Alex O’Loughlin) meanwhile, works as a cheese-maker, and thus is sufficiently kooky to have no need of any further identity.

Lopez, of course, describes him as ‘real’ – but remember we are making allowances for her losing all grip on the concept some time ago. Besides, she is too busy coping with literally fulfilling every conceivable cliché, one second in the throes of lightning-quick orgasms and the next throwing up in a bin.

A bizarre ‘Single Mothers and Proud’ group help make this demon-pregnancy appear normal, as they chant and roll their eyes as all such pathetic, washed-up women do. Their addled brains are fooled by our soft-centred robot heroine, while she gently patronises their freakishness at arm’s length.

Perhaps it all went wrong when Zoe abandoned the hard-nosed corporate lifestyle to open a pet store, thanks to a pointless inbred dog who may yet be the most realistic individual in the film. Ahhh. That’s right, it’s adorable!

Thank goodness this godforsaken unborn child is only imaginary. If movies were born, this one would be tearing itself to shreds.